Monthly Archives: September 2011

A Letter to Orion


My Dearest Orion,

Oh how I wish you were closer…There are times when I
feel so lost and alone and that there is absolutely no purpose to my life. Is
this how I was meant to be? So…nothing, worthless? …I just wish… To be honest, I don’t know what I wish. I want to feel whole, to feel alive.

If there is one thing that I am thoroughly disappointed about our move to the city is the utter lack of night sky…all we have is a strange half night expanse of dark and light. I miss my stars, what am I supposed to do without a night sky? October is drawing nearer and nearer and I wonder if I will even get my chance to see you this year…or if it will just pass us by. I’m afraid that if I don’t see you, that I will forget…that your healing touch will fade from my heart. And if it does will my heart be left open and raw…bleeding like it does?

I want life to be…just that, I just want it to be. I want to stop hating that fat, ugly girl in the mirror. I want to just be happy to be, to be alive, to be healthy, to be whole. But am I? Am I living? Am I truly healthy just because I don’t have a sickness that can be seen? And how can I possibly be whole when my heart aches the way that it does?

Sometimes I wonder if there is a purpose to life at all, that it isn’t just one trek on a hamster wheel, always running towards something that we think we see…but never actually moving forward, never getting to our goal. Is that the aim of life? Should we tear ourselves apart looking for our hopes and dreams or should we just forget them all together? And what of love? The pain of love is so raw and unbearable every time it cuts like a knife plunged deep into your soul.

Orion, I’ve just been so confused. I find myself wondering when I’m going to wake up…is it all just a dream, and a very dull dream at that? I feel like all I am doing some days is passing time until I die, is life just the beat up old magazine that you flip through until it’s your turn for your big appointment…is that all that it is? Sometimes I wonder if I hadn’t been blessed with a family if I would even still be here, if I didn’t need them so much, would I have lived a life worth living, or would I have shrivelled up and died long ago? I know I’m not making much sense here, but that is the beauty of our relationship…I know you understand. I know that whatever craziness that I bring to you…and in whatever weird twisted upside down way that I present it that you will get it, you will know what I mean, and you will send help my way…always.

I may not know what I’m doing or what I’m going to do…but thank you for listening,



Motivational Log Entry 3


Alright Annie,

We apparently suck at life! I know that’s harsh, but if you ever want to stop being a lazy fat a** you need to try! Our motivation to workout was extremely lacking last week, you allowed yourself to talk you out of doing something that is difficult and not even close to fun-yet and because of that nothing has changed, we haven’t lost anything because we haven’t in any work.

Lets try this again, same workout schedule but nix some of the days for at least the first week, at least we did good on the diet, but seriousy need to try and stay more motivated when it comes to workingout. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.


“For I can do all things through God who gives me strength.” -Philippians 4:13

“It is what we trust in, but don’t yet see that keeps us going.” -2 Corinthians 5:7

We can do this because “if God is for us, who can be against us?” -Romans 8:31b

“And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.” -Colossians 3:17

I love you, I’m sorry that I’m so tough on you, but you will thank me in the end, I promise! :-*

For my Maxie


Rest in Peace Maxie, you will never be forgotten, and you will be eternally missed, I love you! Max was nine years old, he was healthy and he died without warning 11/23/08

A Little Dog-Angel
By: Norah M. Holland
High up in the courts of heaven today
A little dog-angel waits,
With the other angels he will not play,
But he sits alone at the gates;
“For I know that my master will come,” says he:
“And when he comes, he will call for me.”
He sees the spirits that pass him by
As they hasten towards the Throne,
And he watches them with a wistful eye
As he sits at the gates alone;
“But I know if I just wait patiently
That someday my master will come.” says he.
And his master far on earth below.
As he sits in his easy chair,
Forgets sometimes,and he whistles low
For the dog that is not there;
And the little dog-angel cocks his ears,
And dreams that his master’s call he hears.
And I know, when at length his master waits
Outside in the dark and cold
For the hand of Death to open the gates
That lead to those courts of gold,
The little dog-angel’s eager bark
Will comfort his soul in the shivering dark.

For my Sweet Jackie Bear


Rest in Peace, Sweet Jackie Bear(10/15/08)

I wonder if Christ had a little black dog,
All curly and wooly like mine,
With two silk ears and a nose round and wet,
And two eyes brown and tender that shine;…
I’m afraid that He hadn’t, because I have read
… How he prayed in the Garden alone,
When all his friends and disciples had fled,
Even Peter, the one called a stone.
And Oh, I am sure that little black dog
With a true heart so tender and warm
Would never have left Him to suffer alone,
But creeping right under His arm,
Would have licked those dear fingers in agony clasped,
And counting all favors but loss,
When they led Him away, would have trotted behind
And followed Him quite to the cross.
-The Little Black Dog
By: Elizabeth Gardner Reynolds
I will love you always Sweet Bear

Waiting to Become Invisible


The water reeds are the glue that hold my shoes together while walking through the watery marsh

Walking away

to where I’m safe

Behind the curtain my sanctuary lives

Here is where I go everyday

I come to get away

To hide

In the willow’s arms I am safe

For a little while the world is good

Until off in the distance I hear it

My name

Shouted over and over

I stop breathing

What did I do?

It’s getting louder…closer

I pull closer to my protector




Waiting to become invisible…

Motivational Log Entry 2


Alright Annie, today’s the day. It is officially time to take those nasty before pictures and start working out. I know that you hate working out, and I do mean HATE, but this was your idea remember? You were the one who wanted to be healthy and fit so that you could enjoy your life more, right?

Okay so lets make a schedule that we can try to stick to, and lets give a specific list of things that we can substitute incase we don’t want to do the one specified.

Today is day one, and it is Monday, so we should pick something that we know that we enjoy: P90X Core Synergistics! (WooHoo!) -Sorry I figured that the extra excitement would keep you motivated. I have also notified your social networks (evil laugh: Muahahahaha!). Don’t hate me, having everyone know will help keep you more motivated than if just Team Beachbody knows, and you know it!

Lets try this for at least a month if not longer, then we will discuss changing things up a little. : )


Sunday: CoreRhythms-Any & 30 mins hardcore walking/jogging    ALT: Keep the walking/jogging & Taebo-Any OR P90X-ABRipperX

Monday: P90X-Core Synergistics    ALT: Taebo-Bootcamp OR CoreRhythms-Any

Tuesday: P90X-Shoulders & Arms    ALT: 45mins of Free Weights & 20mins jogging

Wednesday: Taebo-Celebfit Cardio    ALT: P90X-CardioX OR CoreRhythms-LatinCardio

Thursday: P90X-X Stretch     ALT: 30mins of hard core walking/jogging & TaiChi

Friday: P90X-Legs&Back    ALT:Taebo-Any OR P90X-KenpoX OR CoreRhythms-Any

Saturday: Yoga & 30mins hardcore walking/jogging ALT: Keep the walking/jogging & TaiChi OR Qigong

You can do this! I love ya,


P.S. I know that you really hate cardio, but it is necessary to any weightloss regime

Motivational Log Entry 1


Okay Annie, this past year has been tough and the year before wasn’t all that easy either, however it is no excuse for how far you have let yourself go. It is time to do something if you expect anything to happen in your life! The one thing that you have control over is yourself, you are the only person who decides how much you eat and how active you keep yourself. Because of this you are the only person who can turn what has become around into what will be.

Alright, now that all being said, lets start with what we know. Being 5’9″ you should weigh somewhere between 150 and 170lbs, currently we are at 242lbs, which means that we are between 70 and 90lbs overweight. This as you know puts unneeded pressure on your joints and increases your risk for many diseases/health issues, a few of which we may already be dealing with. I know that there are other factors of concern such as:

– measurements (waist @ bellybutton 43″, bust under 38″, bust over 41″, neck 14″, R bicep 15 1/2″, R wrist 7″, R thigh 28″, R calf 17 1/2″, R ankle 11″, L bicep 15″, L wrist 6 1/2″, L thigh 27 1/2″, L calf 16″, L ankle 10″, waist 46″, hips/booty 49 1/2″), BMI and blood pressure and cholestorol, the last three of which I have no idea what the values are. However, I think that our major concern right now should be mainly the weight issue.

I also know that many times you have led yourself to believe that your size was just bad genetics, now while some of that may be true, you also owe it to yourself to attempt a try at getting healthy and in shape. I want you to try your best to find something and/or someone that will motivate you to do your absolute best and make your workouts and diet really count.

Okay, so lets work on a plan of action.

Step one: Good workout routine. I’m thinking a combination of different things to keep us motivated and most important to deter boredom

-P90XLean, some walking, maybe some jumprope, swimming, taebo, core rhythms dance videos, yoga, etc.

Step two: A reasonable diet. It should be more than just cutting out junk food and eating better, but I also feel that it is counterproductive to forbid certain foods, and instead will maybe just limit the intake of whatever it is that we are craving.

Step three: Stay motivated, take pictures of things that motivate you, and take pictures of your progress. It may also help to monitor weekly your weight, and measurements just to show that what you are doing is making a difference.

Okay sweetie, that’s it for now, goodluck and Godspeed : )