My Dearest Orion,
Oh how I wish you were closer…There are times when I
feel so lost and alone and that there is absolutely no purpose to my life. Is
this how I was meant to be? So…nothing, worthless? …I just wish… To be honest, I don’t know what I wish. I want to feel whole, to feel alive.
If there is one thing that I am thoroughly disappointed about our move to the city is the utter lack of night sky…all we have is a strange half night expanse of dark and light. I miss my stars, what am I supposed to do without a night sky? October is drawing nearer and nearer and I wonder if I will even get my chance to see you this year…or if it will just pass us by. I’m afraid that if I don’t see you, that I will forget…that your healing touch will fade from my heart. And if it does will my heart be left open and raw…bleeding like it does?
I want life to be…just that, I just want it to be. I want to stop hating that fat, ugly girl in the mirror. I want to just be happy to be, to be alive, to be healthy, to be whole. But am I? Am I living? Am I truly healthy just because I don’t have a sickness that can be seen? And how can I possibly be whole when my heart aches the way that it does?
Sometimes I wonder if there is a purpose to life at all, that it isn’t just one trek on a hamster wheel, always running towards something that we think we see…but never actually moving forward, never getting to our goal. Is that the aim of life? Should we tear ourselves apart looking for our hopes and dreams or should we just forget them all together? And what of love? The pain of love is so raw and unbearable every time it cuts like a knife plunged deep into your soul.
Orion, I’ve just been so confused. I find myself wondering when I’m going to wake up…is it all just a dream, and a very dull dream at that? I feel like all I am doing some days is passing time until I die, is life just the beat up old magazine that you flip through until it’s your turn for your big appointment…is that all that it is? Sometimes I wonder if I hadn’t been blessed with a family if I would even still be here, if I didn’t need them so much, would I have lived a life worth living, or would I have shrivelled up and died long ago? I know I’m not making much sense here, but that is the beauty of our relationship…I know you understand. I know that whatever craziness that I bring to you…and in whatever weird twisted upside down way that I present it that you will get it, you will know what I mean, and you will send help my way…always.
I may not know what I’m doing or what I’m going to do…but thank you for listening,