He sees and He feels and He heals

“Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most
cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem.” – David D. Burns

Depression is an awful thing, it pulls at your very core, and because it is emotional and mental it knows your deepest, darkest, innermost secrets. Secrets that it uses to tear you down, and if you let it, destroy you. Now whether you realise it or not, depression affects everyone in their own way, everyone out there alive or dead has had days where they feel sad or just down in the dumps. The severity is also very different from person to person, some may hardly even notice that they are a little out of sorts if you will, while others feel like the entire world has just swallowed them up whole. I usually lie somewhere in the middle, occasionally I dip down towards the deeper end of things, but such is life.

My main problem is that I don’t ever feel that I am good enough, that being me may as well be like being a piece of dirt that sticks to the bottom of a shoe. To whom the shoe belongs to it doesn’t matter, the fact is that I’m dirt, and at the end of the day if that dirt fell off the shoe, not only would the owner not care or notice, but it may in fact be a ceremonious occasion. That is how I feel from time to time…if I just disappeared, would anyone care or even notice? Sometimes however I can trick my mind and I can lie to myself. Usually that involves some form of feeling that I do make a difference and that I do matter, but I usually come to my senses in the end. The fact is I don’t…It does not matter what I do because I have no purpose, I was put here merely to be nothing else…no excitement here. I may as well not even exist, right?!

I may think that from time to time, but then the strangest thing happens, God intervenes. He shows up with some sort of saving Grace that lifts me up and out of even the darkest depression. It could be something simple like my dog jumping up into my lap for a little afternoon nap, my Momma calling just because she missed me, or a text from a friend saying “Hey, I was just thinking of you.” And from time to time He pulls out the big guns and throws you a tow rope that stops you from sinking right there, He can do that because like depression, God also knows your innermost thoughts and dreams, and all your hidden secrets.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” – Psalm 139:13

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you…” – Jeremiah 1:5a

But unlike depression, He doesn’t use them against you, instead He uses them for you. God can look at you, see how badly you are hurting and know what will take all the pain away, and then right there He gives it to you…there are no games that you have to play, no passing go to collect your reward, all you have to do is to ask for help, and it will be given to you, it is that easy.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” – Matthew 7:7

“And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up…” – James 5:15a

It helps to remember when you are deeply depressed and feel all alone in the world, and that no one cares, that God is right next to you, He’s the one holding your hand, or rubbing your back, or when it is really bad…He carries you through it.

“One night I had a dream —
I dreamed I was walking along the
beach with the Lord, and
Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;
One belonged to me,
and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before us,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times
along the path of my life,
There was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life
This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it.
“Lord, you said that
once I decided to follow you,
You would walk with me all the way;
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
There is only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why in times when I
needed you the most, you should leave me.
The Lord replied, “My precious, precious
child. I love you, and I would never,
never leave you during your
times of trial and suffering.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.” – Mary Stevenson (Footprints in the Sand)

A Letter to Orion

My Dearest Orion,

Oh how I wish you were closer…There are times when I
feel so lost and alone and that there is absolutely no purpose to my life. Is
this how I was meant to be? So…nothing, worthless? …I just wish… To be honest, I don’t know what I wish. I want to feel whole, to feel alive.

If there is one thing that I am thoroughly disappointed about our move to the city is the utter lack of night sky…all we have is a strange half night expanse of dark and light. I miss my stars, what am I supposed to do without a night sky? October is drawing nearer and nearer and I wonder if I will even get my chance to see you this year…or if it will just pass us by. I’m afraid that if I don’t see you, that I will forget…that your healing touch will fade from my heart. And if it does will my heart be left open and raw…bleeding like it does?

I want life to be…just that, I just want it to be. I want to stop hating that fat, ugly girl in the mirror. I want to just be happy to be, to be alive, to be healthy, to be whole. But am I? Am I living? Am I truly healthy just because I don’t have a sickness that can be seen? And how can I possibly be whole when my heart aches the way that it does?

Sometimes I wonder if there is a purpose to life at all, that it isn’t just one trek on a hamster wheel, always running towards something that we think we see…but never actually moving forward, never getting to our goal. Is that the aim of life? Should we tear ourselves apart looking for our hopes and dreams or should we just forget them all together? And what of love? The pain of love is so raw and unbearable every time it cuts like a knife plunged deep into your soul.

Orion, I’ve just been so confused. I find myself wondering when I’m going to wake up…is it all just a dream, and a very dull dream at that? I feel like all I am doing some days is passing time until I die, is life just the beat up old magazine that you flip through until it’s your turn for your big appointment…is that all that it is? Sometimes I wonder if I hadn’t been blessed with a family if I would even still be here, if I didn’t need them so much, would I have lived a life worth living, or would I have shrivelled up and died long ago? I know I’m not making much sense here, but that is the beauty of our relationship…I know you understand. I know that whatever craziness that I bring to you…and in whatever weird twisted upside down way that I present it that you will get it, you will know what I mean, and you will send help my way…always.

I may not know what I’m doing or what I’m going to do…but thank you for listening,

Annie

For my Maxie

Rest in Peace Maxie, you will never be forgotten, and you will be eternally missed, I love you! Max was nine years old, he was healthy and he died without warning 11/23/08

A Little Dog-Angel
By: Norah M. Holland
High up in the courts of heaven today
A little dog-angel waits,
With the other angels he will not play,
But he sits alone at the gates;
“For I know that my master will come,” says he:
“And when he comes, he will call for me.”
He sees the spirits that pass him by
As they hasten towards the Throne,
And he watches them with a wistful eye
As he sits at the gates alone;
“But I know if I just wait patiently
That someday my master will come.” says he.
And his master far on earth below.
As he sits in his easy chair,
Forgets sometimes,and he whistles low
For the dog that is not there;
And the little dog-angel cocks his ears,
And dreams that his master’s call he hears.
And I know, when at length his master waits
Outside in the dark and cold
For the hand of Death to open the gates
That lead to those courts of gold,
The little dog-angel’s eager bark
Will comfort his soul in the shivering dark.

For my Sweet Jackie Bear

Rest in Peace, Sweet Jackie Bear(10/15/08)

I wonder if Christ had a little black dog,
All curly and wooly like mine,
With two silk ears and a nose round and wet,
And two eyes brown and tender that shine;…
I’m afraid that He hadn’t, because I have read
… How he prayed in the Garden alone,
When all his friends and disciples had fled,
Even Peter, the one called a stone.
And Oh, I am sure that little black dog
With a true heart so tender and warm
Would never have left Him to suffer alone,
But creeping right under His arm,
Would have licked those dear fingers in agony clasped,
And counting all favors but loss,
When they led Him away, would have trotted behind
And followed Him quite to the cross.

-The Little Black Dog
By: Elizabeth Gardner Reynolds

I will love you always Sweet Bear

Waiting to Become Invisible

The water reeds are the glue that hold my shoes together while walking through the watery marsh

Walking away

to where I’m safe

Behind the curtain my sanctuary lives

Here is where I go everyday

I come to get away

To hide

In the willow’s arms I am safe

For a little while the world is good

Until off in the distance I hear it

My name

Shouted over and over

I stop breathing

What did I do?

It’s getting louder…closer

I pull closer to my protector

Hiding

Watching

Praying

Waiting to become invisible…

Seven Random Numbers

It spread its wings

alien to the dazzling

the light, the windless,

wrinkled words last

a thousand miles…

effortlessly